Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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