Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
