You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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