No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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