You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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