I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
