There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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