It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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