So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
