She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
