my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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