those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
