he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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