yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
