tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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