I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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