i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
