I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
