I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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