my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
