Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
