On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Randomize
