Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
