I'm so fucking centered right now
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I pour the whiskey from now on
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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