Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
