Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
