I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Randomize
