He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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