How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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