It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
