I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
