also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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