Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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