you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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