Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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