a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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