Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
