So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
