Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
