I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
