I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
