We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
