I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
being pregnant is like rehab
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
