I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
