so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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