I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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