he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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