come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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