i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
