Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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