in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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