good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
