My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
