she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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