Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
