I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
