i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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